God give me strength
Kids off to camp. So one week to gain some sanity back. Although I miss them already. Funny, how when they are fighting, I swear up and down that I am going to send them all to military school for a few months. Just like this morning...The middle one was persistently antagonizing my 13 yr old, NONSTOP. So by about 7:30 am, they were shredding each other to pieces (all before the departure of camp, mind you). I am driving to the bus, hands clinched on the steering wheel, ready to throw them both out of the window at any given moment. We get there, unpack the car, and my 9 yr old hugs me with tears in his eyes. I asked him if he was okay and he just said, "I am going to miss you mom". There you go, I went into a state of complete guilt. Guilt that I thought such angry thoughts. Guilt that I was just wishing a few days ago that they WERE at camp. Its something that every parent goes through I suppose. You don't appreciate what you have until you don't have it staring you right in the eyes. Its those very few moments that your children bestow upon you, that make it all worth while. All the insanity and all the frustration melts away. Now, I miss them. I miss the "stop it!", "don't touch me", and "Mooooom! He's bugging me!" I miss everything down to the stinky summer smell that they have when they come in the house from playing outside.
I just hope that when they are older and have their own children, that they look back and know they weren't insignificant my life. I worry about this all the time. Especially since they all are products of divorce. The big D. Devastating, demolishing, demented, dreary, dying, dehumanizing, and depressing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Its hard enough for us older, mature adults...let alone the kids. I don't want my kids to suffer for the rotten mistakes I have made in my life. So I suppose I have way more of a burden parenting than most mothers. I have to make sure my children aren't messed up, and that they feel secure and loved. Sometimes I wonder if the bad choices I made will make them hate me. Will it cause them to be divorced adults? Will it cause them to have struggles as teens? I wish I could take everything back....I wish I could have my kids, but go back to where it all began. I want to be 18 again, and know everything that I know now. I want to have the character I have now and KNOW where I was going in life.
I don't want to screw up anymore. Not only will my kids not be able to handle it, I don't think I will be able to either. My prayer seems to be more and more for God to give me strength. For him to give me the courage to put all my past aside, and be the most awesome mom in the world. Given my circumstances, which I wont go into, its going to be an uphill battle. God give me strength.
I just hope that when they are older and have their own children, that they look back and know they weren't insignificant my life. I worry about this all the time. Especially since they all are products of divorce. The big D. Devastating, demolishing, demented, dreary, dying, dehumanizing, and depressing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Its hard enough for us older, mature adults...let alone the kids. I don't want my kids to suffer for the rotten mistakes I have made in my life. So I suppose I have way more of a burden parenting than most mothers. I have to make sure my children aren't messed up, and that they feel secure and loved. Sometimes I wonder if the bad choices I made will make them hate me. Will it cause them to be divorced adults? Will it cause them to have struggles as teens? I wish I could take everything back....I wish I could have my kids, but go back to where it all began. I want to be 18 again, and know everything that I know now. I want to have the character I have now and KNOW where I was going in life.
I don't want to screw up anymore. Not only will my kids not be able to handle it, I don't think I will be able to either. My prayer seems to be more and more for God to give me strength. For him to give me the courage to put all my past aside, and be the most awesome mom in the world. Given my circumstances, which I wont go into, its going to be an uphill battle. God give me strength.
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