Sound of Madness

"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person." How true is that statement? Think about it for just one moment. How do you feel when someone actually NEEDS you? Not that they HAVE to be around you, but that they seriously depend on you for love. Ponder for a moment today... Being best friends with that person who depends on your love to live a meaningful life: Priceless

As with all the seasons of the year, I am not ready for summer. Under no circumstances am I complaining (yet). However, the warm weather came so fast that my white legs had to be heat lamp-ed to be prepared to wear shorts. It is terrible for one's skin, but I am in a jam right now. So off to the tanning beds I went last week. The first session was about 4 minutes. The next was 5. I just figured that it wasn't doing any good, so I told the teenage brain-dead girl that I should go a little longer to see results. She stuck me in for 15 minutes. Needless to say, I can barely sit, or even move for that matter. I would say that I wont be going in for a couple days now. No pain, no gain I suppose. I really could just slap her though, if it didn't hurt so bad to raise my arm. Speaking of self inflicted pain, I have quit smoking! Unbelievable as it sounds even to me, it is true. I have not had a cigarette in about a month thanks to the wonderful world of drugs. (...

I just got home from helping DavenLore Winery bottle some of their wine. They are friends of ours, so we just went out to help for a bit. Its great seeing what a functioning winery consists of. The love of making GOOD wine is evident with them, and it is a definitly encouraging for me. However, it makes me long for a winery myself. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen. It is hard enough trying to make ends meet, let alone doing something that takes so much money, time, and more money. It will happen though, its just a matter of time.

Well Real Estate is booming again...Yes, I know I have sworn to quit this business. But it is the only thing that I have ever done that I am truly proud of, and am really good at. It is a hard game to play. Sometimes I want to bang my head against the wall. But, the biggest commission check of my career is coming next month (fingers crossed). A 1.6 million dollar commercial piece has just been sold. Car will be paid off, motorcycle purchased for Dan, and a boat will placed nicely under a new carport cover that will be installed beside the house. :) Yeah, I am dreaming... ha Money sure does make me happy though. What does that say about my character?! I must be so shallow. Upward and Onward.

Another day, another drama. Funny, the old cliché used to be ‘dollar’. Not in my life. It is usually calm. But in the divorce and children life…there is ALWAYS drama of some sort. Without going into to much detail, I will just say that I try to be a reasonable, calm person. Alas I AM AN ARIES. Look it up if you do not comprehend this. I do not have an ounce of patience. I am not one to put up with a lot of unreasonableness. I most certainly am not one to take any negativity when it comes to my children and step children or the way we parent them. So where does that leave me? I suppose it leaves me trying to do the best I can to raise my children right, and to love my husband like he deserves to be loved. And it leaves me wanting to punch something over and over. It is so hard to be a step-parent. I love them like they were my own. But they are not my own, and I am fine with that. I never talk bad about their mother around them, and try to be the best person I can be f...

Winter sucks. Plain and simple. I haven't even had enough UMPH to write in this blog. I am sorry, and apologize over and over... But I just do not have any creative juice this time of year. Its hard to squeeze it out when I am so COLD. I do not see the sun, and the fog is wearing thin. No, I am not unhappy with my life. As a matter of fact, I am still in love with Dan and so happy with the amazing relationship that we have. He is so good to me, so honest, and treats me with so much respect. My kids are doing well, and seem to absolutely love him as much as I do. Its just the weather....Not a bit of sun, warmth, etc .... I need to live in Mexico. Then maybe my sanity would be intact.

The key to my serenity is simplicity with elegance...

Well it tis the season...Christmas awaits. What a beautiful holiday. (think of sincere sarcasm when I say that) I mean, really...Children all around the world are awaiting PRESENTS. Gimme, Gimme, Gimme...I don't know about anyone else, but I really do NOT like what Christmas represents anymore. It is suppose to be the birth of Christ that we are to be celebrating. But kids want to know what Santa brought them. "What did he bring, and is that it? Is there more???" Be good or Santa wont bring you anything. It is rather sickening. Our lord and savior was born (supposedly) during this holiday. Why isn't everyone that proclaims themselves to be christian, present company included, teaching our children about what Christmas is really about? Hmmm... Dan and I are going to sit the kids aside before they open up their presents, as we did last year, and explain to them the true meaning of it all...I might even tell them that there is no Santa. (Cruel I know, but it is really a...

Conflicting hearts shouting wars minds apart clouds surround me terror in my eyes Suicidal tendencies sobbing sadness afraid to wake animosity overtaking me What have I done? God help me. ~The past And now.... intoxicating winds peaceful thoughts adoring hands loving glances laughter all around calming words smiles, smirks seeing things as a baby for the first time thankful to be alive God, keep me here

Just browsing through a few sites, and came across this quote.... If you are open-minded, it will really make you think. "Educatio est omnium efficacissima forma rebellionis" which is scripted in Latin. The English translation means "Education is the most effective form of rebellion". The moral of Thorin's quote is that much more can be accomplished with a book rather than a bat. The system itself cannot be beaten by simply dropping out and having a middle finger attitude. To truly make a difference, you need not only angst, but also a firm foundation on what makes the system what it is. Past revolutionaries (Che, King Jr, Gandhi....) all knew how to use the system to their advantage and bring about change. Society loves stupid people because they are so easy to control. To truly make a difference organize with the tools that truly bring about change: Education and Unity. The sheep (people in general) are force fed crap everyday via the media. Unfortunately, the...

Ok. This has got to be one of the greatest things I have ever done in my life. It was completely surreal. The WHOLE concert was so amazing, that I do not even have the words to describe how it was. Great music, GREAT bands, and Dan caught the guitar pick from Godsmack as a BONUS!! Wow...that is all I can say. Wow. And YES, this is how close I was to the stage. When we were handed "mosh area, enter at your own risk" wrist bands, I wondered... We were thrashed, but enjoyed the whole thing! Shinedown was completely awesome. They did such a great job of singing live. We were so impressed with them. Rob Zombie was awesome too, but it was so insane there when they were playing, that we didn't get to enjoy the music. Everyone went nuts! then Godsmack...Oh my. They were just beyond words. I was moved...that is all I can say. MOVED! The band that had got me through anger management with the ex, made me fall in love with my husband once again...(as I do over and over) ...

Godsmack and Rob Zombie...Here I come! (Oh yeah, and Shinedown...sorry) One week and counting. Godsmack has been one of my favorite bands ever. I am so excited to go, it is killing me. If I could meet Sully, and tell him of the many times I listened to his songs during rough times in my life...Wow. That band was my anger management, and my strength through the divorce, and during the peak of the my hatred for everything I was going through. I felt so empowered. If I was hurt or upset, Godsmack was IN the stereo and cranked to levels unheard of. I've never been to White River Amph. before, if you can imagine (sheltered poor soul). The experience will be even more memorable since I will have Dan with me. When we first started met, that was the one thing that drew us together. Our mutual love of talented, meaningful ROCK. Now, don't get me wrong. Aerosmith was the ultimate thrill for me. I nearly had a heart attack seeing Steven Tyler in real life. I'd never even admit it if S...

Wow, that was an amazingly fast summer! I haven't written in this for so long, I almost feel guilty. I really need to spend some more quality time reflecting on my life, and LESS time worrying about the small stuff. I've been a busy person this summer, as has my husband. Between his shoulder surgery, and the kids' sports...We've barely had time to breathe. We went to Williams Lake a few times, and had the time of our lives. I recommend Klinks! It is a great place to stay and eat. Very 'kid' friendly. And they have the nicest restaurant with a wine bar! (I know...a lake with a classy place to eat. Its almost an oxy-moron!) Other than that, I have been taking online college courses. I am really wanting to get out of real estate by spring. Its definitely taken its toll on my mind and spirit. Commission work is for the birds! Yeah, when I get paid, its great. But the in between part is way too stressful. Will this close? Will I get enough money to catch up? Hurry ...

Insomnia...That seems to be the diagnosis. All these thought fly through my head at night while I am trying to get to sleep. Regardless of what time I have to get up, the sleeplessness overtakes me. What do I lay and think about, you ask? Work, kids, money, what I have to do the next day, how hot/cold it is, how lumpy the bed is, how the sheet just came off the edge of the bed for the million'th time and my shoulder is now touching the mattress( I HATE THAT) .....You name it, and I will confirm that I have thought about it all! Yes, I do take an occational sleeping pill. However, i just dont want to get hooked on those things. Honestly I think it is more of an inablility to shut things off at night, than it is stress. Ah well. I'll just keep plugging along. Now the weather is up in the 100's, I think I am losing my mind. Warm weather is great, but this crap is for the birds (in AFRICA). Insanity from lack of sleep and hot air is creeping in. Quote for the day.... What if th...

AH...To be a child and live carefree in the arms of mother summer. To watch your children play and laugh are the greatests gifts known to man. We took all of them to Williams Lake last weekend, and they had such a great time! Fishing, swimming, paddle-boating, and exploring. To quote my husband, "that was the best father's day I have ever had". Summer can be hectic, indeed. But I think the more things we do with the kids, the funner it is. :)

Well, now that my son is almost 14, he has entered the world of net-meeting. My phone rang a Baton Rouge number yesterday. With a young girls voice asking for him on the other end. After plugging for information, I got it out of him that he has met her on the internet. "Have you completely lost your mind giving my number out on the internet...ARE YOU INSANE!!??", was the only thing I could think to say. So being the wonderful mother that I am, reamed him about giving personal information out on the net and the dangers of it as a young person. Fine one to talk, aren't I. :) I remember as a child having "pen-pals", and writing hand written letters to people across the country. What a long way we have come since then. I am the first one to be thankful for the internet, but a part of me still longs for those forgotten days of picking up a pen. We now live in an age of instant information. People, places, and phone numbers. I used this technology to google this phone...

Its been decided. The pain I swore I would never inflict again, I now long for. So here it is. My next tattoo to be placed on the nape of my neck. If you are intelligent enough to read the Hebrew language, then you know exactly what it means. It's a personal statement of my strong belief in Christ. It is his pain that must be a reminder to me of what he did. So on to tattoo number 3. Its a slippery slope indeed.

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.

The latest lower back tattoo!!! Its rather symbolic for me. If you don't know the phoenix story, look it up. Rising from the ashes is where I am. Dead, but now alive! :) And YES it did hurt more than childbirth! More than my ankle by FAR!!